How my marriage helped me understand God’s love language

I love Love. Or atleast, the idea I had in my head before I got married. After I got married, I soon realised that I needed to get my head out of the clouds, erase all the expectations and purge myself of the ideas Hollywood had planted in my mind.

It was time for work.

Expressing Love

Looking back at my friendships and romantic relationships over the years, I would call myself a fierce-heady-romantic lover. I used to think that the proof of my love for someone/something is writing about it, talking about it and telling the person about it. So, naturally when I started the journey with Christ, that was my way of expressing my love for God. I Would talk about it alot, say it to him in worship and in conversations and write about it. This also happened in my journey to marriage, but my husband was not having any of all that romantic anything, I would wonder “how cold can a person be?” Soon enough I began to understand.

Redefining Love

About 3 years ago, my paradigm of religion and Christianity started shifting. From reading the Bible by myself with the lens of Jesus Christ, I started seeing things from a whole perspective. While unlearning alot of things, I started battling with most of my ideologies and in-between all that inner turmoil was the time I got married. I started struggling with my expectation of romantic love, what my husband understood love to be and what I was learning from God’s word.

On my part; Love had to be head-in-the-clouds, fierce, intense and romantic. You know, how it is painted to me. (I don chop lie tay tay sha)

His Part and what I was learning; Love is not just talk, it’s not what you feel. It’s action based, I cannot claim to love you and leave you the way I met you. We should not just be better people by reason of the union, Love must be whatever we do in light of the other person’s eternity.

You can imagine all the conflicting ideas and how much friction it created. We had issues understanding each other and this affected alot of things. It affected how we related with each other, trust issues and having more fights than we could afford.

Something had to give.


“Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.” Matt 7:21-23

Ever since I stumbled on this Bible verse, I have always wondered about it. How can one do all these wonderful things and still feel like you are not known? How can you be so expressive and fierce in your love and then still be rejected by the one you thought you love? They don’t just receive love that way and the truth is only the other party can say how he wants to receive Love. I struggled with my husband for a while because I just wanted him to see my point of view, but when I decided to really listen I started understanding how he wanted me to understand how he saw love. No matter how grand-gesture, romantic, heady love makes sense to me if that is not how it translates to love for him he will not see it as love.

 “Loving God means obeying his commands. And God’s commands are not too hard for us” I John 5:3 

God’s love language is Obedience and no matter how tongue-speaking, demon-slaying, miracle-working, heady, romantic I am about my Love for him, If I am not speaking obedience by doing his will, it doesn’t translate to love for him.

How do you express Love? Ever thought of what God’s Love language is? Do you speak his love language?




  1. Hmmmm…….I’m stuck right at this point “God’s love language is Obedience” ……. Enough said.

    1. Arike says:

      Yes oh!!

  2. Tamie says:

    This is lovely and insightful.

    Maturing changed my head in the clouds idea of love. And each that I’m still learning.

    1. Arike says:

      We all have to mature at some point! Thank God for growth

  3. @ilola says:

    wow, really deep. It’s a learning process for us all.

    1. Arike says:

      Yes o! May we continue to grow

  4. itunu says:

    Hello Arike,
    This was a very beautiful and interesting write up. The obedience part caught me as I’d just read something during the week where Jesus spoke about our love being in the form of obedience. That’s how we grow. There’s no shortcut to it as you’ve pointed out.
    I pray your marriage is like wine. The older it gets, the sweeter it becomes. Amen.

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